My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
