Can i not drive my cunt home
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
