Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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