i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
