i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
