Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
