i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The air was thick with penises
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
