my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
