allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
