having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
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The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
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As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm like, not good at living.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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