Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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