Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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