I showed him my bush... on skype.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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