Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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