Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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