You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
