I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you didnt know i had herpes?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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