My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
