please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
