I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
