paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
