Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
