He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Randomize
