What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Randomize
