woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
