Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
