Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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