we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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