got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
