You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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