A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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