cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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