Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Two words: blizzard sex
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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