Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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