I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
