Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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