Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
