She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
