Cold hands, warm shart.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
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she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.