Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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