I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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