I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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