If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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