You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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