i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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