my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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