I'm pants shitting drunk right now
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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