Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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