i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
