My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
