Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
