I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just high enough for therapy.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
