I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
