I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
