She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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