i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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