OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
