I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
